When Fotini Oliver posted the prompt ‘You know you’re a mum when …’ in the group, the mums jumped on board with many hilarious responses. Here is an edited selection of our favourite responses. Which one best describes you?
… your alarm clock is a child with his face right in front of yours saying ‘Wake up, Mummy! It’s tomorrow!’
… you’ve said the phrases, ‘Please don’t lick the cat’, ‘Is that poop or Vegemite?’ and ‘Don’t flush your brother down the toilet’ within half an hour of getting up.
… you’ve done three hours of paid work, made two school lunches, done an hour spin class and de-nitted a child’s hair – all before 10 am.
… your baby vomits on your top just as you’re leaving the house and you just wipe it off and keep moving.
… snot on your clothes doesn’t warrant changing your clothes.
… you don’t shower for days. When you finally do, you forget to shave the other leg.
… you’re glad to have a shower … ALONE.
… you leave home without underwear not because you’re trying to be sexy – but because you literally forgot.
… your bag is a treasure trove of loose sultanas, a half-eaten cheese stick, hair clips and Lego … but no money.
… you’re still watching Paw Patrol after the kids have left the room.
… you’re still singing along to the Wiggles CD in the car after you’ve dropped off the kids at day care.
… you know all of the words to all of the Frozen songs.
… you have your own favourite shows on ABC Kids.
… you’re excited by new episodes of My Little Pony.
… you’re still listening to Christmas carols on the 8th of February.
… you search YouTube to learn how to do fancy braids for your daughter but you walk around all day with bedhead.
… you hear a random baby crying and you find yourself swaying from side to side gently without realising it.
… you rock the shopping trolley back and forth, soothing those groceries to sleep.
… you haven’t gone to the toilet by yourself for so long, you can’t even remember what it was like.
… the room you’ve just cleaned has been trashed ten minutes later, but your partner wonders what you did today.
… you use baby wipes for everything.
… you can catch sick with your hand.
… you know the best ways to get dried Weet-Bix off the floor, the high chair, and the pram.
… you don’t even flinch at being fed a pre-sucked Haribo.
… you go to a public toilet to pee while doing the groceries on your own, because peeing on your own is such a novelty.
… you enjoy a trip to the doctor because it’s the only time you get to yourself.
… when your doctor tells you to rest and you just laugh at them.
… you haven’t had a hot cup of coffee in such a long time that your brain actually thinks lukewarm coffee is not so bad.
… you make your kids eat healthy snacks whilst you hide in the pantry and eat chocolate.
… sneaking chocolate is akin to a bank heist.
… worming tablets are a form of chocolate.
… ‘lunch’ means a few pieces of peanut butter sandwich your kid turned their nose up at and the rest of the water from their sippy cup.
… you go to order some chips at the food court and ask for ‘chippies’ instead.
… you answer to anyone calling out ‘Mum!’
… like Pavlov’s dog, you always go to the children when you hear the word ‘Mum’. (Why can’t they bloody come to you? They are the ones that want help.)
… you whisper, ‘FFS’ every time a whiney voice says, ‘Muuuummmmmy!’
… you put on your old shoes and realise that each pregnancy has increased your behemoth feet by one size.
… you try on high heels for the first time in a year after giving birth and living in flip flops and you feel the pain.
… you go out after dark for the first time in forever and wonder if the streetlights were always that bright.
… you pass the junk food aisle at the supermarket so fast you could be in the Olympics.
… you walk around the shopping centre in circles for hours on end because the bright lights are 100 per cent engaging for a newborn and you’re all out of patty cake games.
… when you are on hold, and have been for ages, but secretly hope no one answers yet because your baby is screaming.
… you are on a conference call and someone asks, ‘What’s that sound?’ – it’s your breast pump.
… you check inside the collars of a jacket left behind after a meeting only to realise adults don’t label their clothes.
… you’re a really competent professional with a lot to offer but you can’t find any work because you’re chasing the holy grail of part-time hours.
… you hear yourself saying something your mum or dad said to you (even though you swore you’d never say it).
… you’re covering school books and drinking wine.
… you can’t even think of one answer to ‘You know you’re a mum when …’ because BABY BRAIN is so friggin’ real!
… you steer clear of trampolines.
… you are as protective as a mother tiger with cubs.
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